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* Self Improvement and Personal Growth Weekly Newsletter *
Issue #777, Week of July 29-30, 2013
Publisher: David Riklan - http://www.SelfGrowth.com
In this issue:
-- Quotes of the Week
-- Recommended Resource of the Week
-- Article: Overcoming Obstacles: 4 Tips to Clear The "How Hurdle" - By Carolyn Ellis
-- Article: Dos and Don'ts of Positive Conflict - By Darlene Lancer
-- Book Review: Reinventing You: Define Your Brand, Imagine Your Future - By Dorie Clark
-- Inspirational News Story of the Week
-- How to Subscribe and Unsubscribe from this Newsletter
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*** Quotes of the Week ***
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We bring forth weeds when our quick minds lie still. - William Shakespeare, 1564-1616
Always mistrust a subordinate who never finds fault with his superior. - John Churton Collins, 1848-1908
The important thing in life is to have great aim and to possess the aptitude and the perseverance to attain it. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, 1749-1832
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*** Recommended Resource of the Week ***
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* Become a Certified NLP Practitioner (93% off) *
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*** Article: Overcoming Obstacles: 4 Tips to Clear The "How Hurdle" - By Carolyn Ellis ***
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As a coach, I'm privileged to be part of a process where my clients create a new and exciting vision for their lives and take action towards it. The excitement is palpable as they connect with what's truly important to them. But often they'll hit what I call, the "How Hurdle." "How will I do that?" or "How can I get myself from here to there?" The excitement starts to deflate as they focus on not knowing the clear answers to the "How" Hurdle.
Think of a hurdler, about to take off from the starting blocks. Looking up from their hurdler stance, the finish line is not even visible. What do they see? Nothing but a line of tall, solid ominous hurdles blocking their way to their goal.
It's the same for us in our lives. We want to get somewhere but we don't know "how" to get there. Many head for the dressing room before the race to the finish line even starts. I'd like to share simple ways to overcome this phenomenon of the "How Hurdle".
1. "How?" isn't as important as "Where" and "Why?"
Part of our mind likes to solve problems, so it will naturally prompt that "how" question. Asking "How" first is like putting the cart before the horse. Ghandi didn't ask himself how he'd get the British to leave India. Instead he held steadfastly and articulately to his vision and then followed a course of action that revealed itself as he went along.
The more important and empowering questions to ask yourself are "Where?" and "Why?". Where do you want to go? Why do you want to reach that new goal? Why is it important for you to learn how to solve that problem? The answers to the "where" and "why" will give you the motivation and energy to find the "how" as you take action.
2. Building a Big "Why"
If your "why" is big enough, you'll figure out the how. You just hunker down and start doing whatever it takes to get the job done. If a family member required urgent medical treatment and you didn't know anything about the medical system or how it works, it wouldn't take long for you to take action, would it? You're motivated, so you'd ask a lot of questions of the doctor or others, go online to research, or pick up the yellow pages to look for support groups.
Connecting to your "why" will commit you to action. Commitment is the key to knocking those "How Hurdles" down. The "how" will appear once you make that commitment to your "why". In the words of Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "The moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred ... unforeseen incidents, meetings, and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way."
3. "I Don't Know How" as an Excuse
Have you ever used the phrase "I don't know how" as an excuse for inaction? What would you say to a young child who said "I don't know how" in the face of having to try something new? You'd most likely let them know that it's OK to make mistakes and learn from them.
But perhaps you really meant, "I'm not ready to move forward" or "My goal isn't really clear or important enough to me". It's more empowering and accurate to be honest about it, especially with ourselves, than stand behind an excuse.
4. Nevermind the Naysayers
Have you ever decided to try something new, despite your own questions about how you'll succeed, and then the moment you share your new goal with someone they turn into a dream-stealer. They'll pepper you with questions like, "So how exactly are you going to do that?" Unfortunately, some of those naysayers are people who are the closest to us. They have a great skill for putting more "How Hurdles" up on the track.
Don't let the naysayers stop you! Take a moment to share your "why" with them and how it's going to look at feel for you to accomplish that goal. Invite them to support you by brainstorming how you could accomplish the goal. Share your commitment to doing whatever it will take to cross the finish line.
** To comment on this article or to read comments about this article, go here.
About the Author:
Success Strategist, coach and award-winning author, Carolyn B. Ellis, is the SelfGrowth.com Official Guide to Entrepreneurs and the Founder of BrillianceMastery.com and ThrivePrinciples.com. Her Brilliance Mastery program supports women entrepreneurs to own their brilliance so the mission of their business can be communicated clearly, powerfully and profitably. For more information and to get a copy of her special report "The 7 Secrets to Unlocking Your Brilliance as a Woman Entrepreneur", visit http://www.selfgrowth.com/solos/carolynellis.html
* Become a Certified NLP Practitioner (93% off) *
|
| Steve G. Jones has created an amazing NLP Practitioner certification course - which has sold as high as $675.
You can now enroll for the ridiculously low price
of just $47, for a very limited time!
That's nearly 93% off the normal price of $675!
Steve can only take a limited number of students
so act now before the price goes up.
Enroll Today, 93% Off.
http://www.selfgrowth.com/products/nlpspecial.html |
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*** Article: Dos and Don'ts of Positive Conflict - By Darlene Lancer ***
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It's normal to have conflict in relationships. People are different, and their desires and needs will inevitably clash. Resolving disagreements in a healthy way creates understanding and brings couples closer together. The objective should be the betterment of the relationship. This is positive conflict. Below are 24 suggested rules -- 12 Dos and 12 Don'ts -- for actualizing this goal.
Arguments are Good!
Arguments aren't necessarily a bad sign. It means differences are surfacing, but in some relationships, differences aren't acknowledged, because either one partner dominates a subservient one, or because both individuals are merged and don't really know themselves or are sacrificing who they are to please one another. These solutions to differences usually backfire, because they build resentment and passive-aggressive behavior, and closeness and intimacy suffer. With these couples, conflict is a sign of growth and maturity. At the other extreme are high-conflict couples, where differences escalate into power struggles and communication becomes aggressive.
The Role of Self-Esteem
Self-esteem is essential to assertiveness and healthy communication, which lay the foundation for avoiding fights and handling conflict. Unfortunately this isn't the norm, especially among codependent couples. Not having had good role models for expressing anger and handling conflict, one or both partners is usually passive or aggressive. When it comes to disagreements, low self-esteem leads to:
- Taking things personally
- Defensiveness
- Inability to express needs and wants
- High reactivity
- People-pleasing
- Not taking responsibility for behavior, feelings, and needs
- Inability to be honest
- Undisclosed expectations of others
Rules of Engagement
In positive conflict, ideally, you're able to verbalize your needs and wants and mutually work out compromises. Your intent and how you approach differences are critical. The objective should be to resolve a dispute to the satisfaction of both of you. It's not about winning and losing. You can "win" an argument, but the relationship may suffer if your partner feels discounted, deflated, or resentful.
Planning when, where, and how you approach a disagreement is important for achieving satisfactory results. It's helpful make up rules of engagement in advance. Here are suggested 12 Dos and 12 Don'ts. You won't be able to achieve all of them or any all the time, but they're guidelines to strive for:
DO:
1. Make it okay to "agree to disagree." You don't have to agree on everything. Try to accept irresolvable differences that don't violate your values.
2. Have time-limited discussions and stick to the pre-set time. A half-hour is plenty. You can always reconvene.
3. Work through things as they come up. Don't stockpile resentments; otherwise, each postponement becomes a block to the next communication.
4. Remember to maintain goodwill by separating the person you care about from the behavior. Assume he or she is doing their best and isn't hurting you intentionally.
5. Take responsibility for your behavior, needs, and feelings. Use "I" statements to share your feelings and thoughts about yourself. This doesn't include "I feel you're inconsiderate." Instead, say "I feel unimportant to you."
6. Examine what unmet needs are making you angry. With I statements, be direct and honest about your feelings and needs in the relationship. Communicate the positive consequences of compliance.
7. Listen with curiosity and a desire to understand your partner, and to see the world through his or her eyes. When you don't understand, ask for clarification. Remember that your partner is telling you his or her experience. It reveals the truth about them, not you. You're free to disagree, but first see where the person is coming from.
8. Use a "we" approach. "We have a problem," not "My problem with you is..."
9. Rather than demand your way, brainstorm solutions. Request your partner's input, especially when it comes to changing his or her behavior.
10. Take a time-out if you start to get angry. This allows you to calm down and stop reacting. Reassure your partner that you'll resume.
11. Use breaks to take responsibility for your part, think about solutions, and to self-soothe any hurt feelings.
12. Communicate your fears and guilt in the relationship.
DON'T:
1. Don't have controversial discussions when you're tired or the bedroom, which should kept a safe place.
2. Don't make accusations or use the words, "always" or "never."
3. Don't bring in allies -- other people's opinions -- or make comparisons to others.
4. Don't switch topics, or retaliate with, "but you did..."
5. Don't judge, blame, belittle, or be sarcastic or dismissive in words or facial expressions, such as rolling your eyes or smirking.
6. Don't expect your partner to read your mind.
7. Don't analyze your partner or impute motives or feelings to him or her.
8. Don't interrupt or monopolize the conversation.
9. Don't react or defend yourself. Instead communicate your point of view.
10. Don't bring up the past -- anything more than a few days old.
11. Don't rolodex grievances. Stick to the current one. You don't need more "evidence" that you're right and your partner is wrong.
12. Don't compromise your bottom lines in the relationship, if they're non-negotiable. It will lead to more conflict later.
Effective problem-solving takes time and practice. It first requires learning assertiveness. Find out more about becoming assertive in my ebook, How to Speak Your Mind -- Become Assertive and Set Limits.
© Darlene Lancer 2013
** To comment on this article or to read comments about this article, go here.
About the Author:
Darlene Lancer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author of Codependency for Dummies, and expert in relationships, codependency, and addiction. She has a broad range of experience, working with individuals and couples for 25 years. She is an author and frequent speaker. She maintains private practice in Santa Monica, CA and coaches internationally. For more information, see http://www.whatiscodependency.com to receive a FREE Report, "14 Tips for Letting Go," and find links to her books, Codependency for Dummies and ebooks, How to Speak Your Mind- Become Assertive and Set Limits and 10 Steps to Self-Esteem: The Ultimate Guide to Stop Self-Criticism.
You can follow her on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/codependencyrecovery.
* Become a Certified NLP Practitioner (93% off) *
|
| Steve G. Jones has created an amazing NLP Practitioner certification course - which has sold as high as $675.
You can now enroll for the ridiculously low price
of just $47, for a very limited time!
That's nearly 93% off the normal price of $675!
Steve can only take a limited number of students
so act now before the price goes up.
Enroll Today, 93% Off.
http://www.selfgrowth.com/products/nlpspecial.html |
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*** Book Review: Reinventing You: Define Your Brand, Imagine Your Future - By Dorie
Clark ***
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Are you where you want to be professionally?
Whether you want to advance faster at your present company, change jobs, or make the jump to a new field entirely, the goal is clear: to build a career that thrives on your unique passions and talents. But to achieve this in today's competitive job market, it's almost certain that at some point you'll need to reinvent yourself professionally. Consider this book your road map for the next phase of your career journey.
In Reinventing You, branding expert Dorie Clark provides a step-by-step guide to help you assess your unique strengths, develop a compelling personal brand, and ensure that others recognize the powerful contribution you can make.
Mixing personal stories with engaging interviews and examples from well-known personalities--Mark Zuckerberg, Al Gore, Tim Ferriss, Seth Godin, and others--Reinventing You shows how to think big about your professional goals, take control of your career, build a reputation that opens doors for you, and finally live the life you want.
*****
The list price of this book is $25.00. To purchase it from Amazon.com at a price of $18.54, a 26% discount, go here.
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*** Inspirational News Story of the Week ***
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* When Hate-Mongers Give You Lemons, Set Up a Lemonade Stand *
A five-year-old girl set up a lemonade stand "for peace" right across the street from a notorious church in Kansas which has been accused of spreading hate and homophobia wherever it goes.
Go here for the complete news story.
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